It's winter : It's 2018 : And I'm Trying to Get out of this 40-something GenX Woman With Disability Rut


On my last job application I was asked if I have a disability.

 I reeled.
For a lot of reasons.

Shock: Wait. This is me I’m talking about.
Fear: If I am disabled now, but no one knows without me telling them, then what does this mean?
(Unreasonable)Reason: Maybe if I claim this disability it will increase my chances of getting the job.
Fear: What if I’ve just given them ammunition for discrimination.
Reality-check: Black people can’t hide being black – which is not considered a disability, but is very much a subject of discrimination...
Arrogance: Well it’s not AIDS or cancer. That’s in my favor.
Perspective: Maybe someone with AIDS or cancer is thinking, “At least it’s not MS?”
Humility: Why should I be any less prone to a disability than anyone else?
Fear: What if my chances have nothing to do with MS, and everything to do with my professional merit?
Maybe this is the part where we are only given what we can handle in life… but I swear to God nobody else better fucking tell me this.

It’s beginning to occur to me that the problem is not that I have MS.
My problem is that I am the same woman now as I was before I discovered this life-complication, but I am now no more equipped to deal with who I am than I was before. I suppose I am no less either. However, the urgency for clarity has increased exponentially.

The principal investigator of my diet study has articulated on more than one occasion that one of the study goals is to determine whether cognition can be preserved through the (hypothesized) neuro-protective qualities of this modified Mediterranean diet’s ingredients. The point is that, as we age, our brains degenerate. The brains of people with MS tend to degenerate at a higher rate than those of people who are healthy…

There it is again… the disability…

By this definition, I am not healthy.

But I feel healthy.
But I am taking a monthly infusion that is likely to eventually cause other immunological problems.
So I am racing the clock with science… against a disability that I have yet to experience in the context of the word as I know it.
So I falter.
And I feel paralyzed.
...Unable to justify my decisions, except for that they are driven by desperation for clarity and a sense of accomplishment.

I signed the self-identification form.
I didn’t get the job.
I got the interview.
Nailed it.
Forgot about under-education discrimination.
Maybe I’ll get the next one.

I think I’m going to migrate this blog. But that’s a horse of a different color for a different day – not unlike my views on under-education discrimination – if I may be so bold as to coin this phrase in  honor of my periodically current feelings of disenfranchisement.

For now, I'm just glad to be publishing my 3rd blog entry even if it does feel deficient and like it's three months late.

And in line with the diet-study recipe shares, here’s a recipe that you MUST try – whether you are a vegan, a vegetarian, an omnivore, or even a carnivore – but especially if you want to make a taste treat for someone in your life who is sugar, gluten, and animal-protein free. 
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Comments

  1. SarahJanuary 8, 2018 at 1:08 PM

    Mmmmmmmmmm....that cheesecake was damn delicious.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stacey-JoJanuary 8, 2018 at 1:14 PM

    This entry. It's raw, just like that delicious pie.

    ReplyDelete

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